Nicknames
By A.T. Adlen
Setting: Midsummer. A small house in rural New Jersey.
Sets: Open closet, Kitchen/greenhouse, Dingy living room, no furniture just one bed and hardwood floors
Props: empty cardboard boxes, Crown Royal bag, shoebox full of photographs, pizza, pizza cutter, knife, paper bag full of vegetables, full/empty “wine” bottles, drinking glasses, Claudia’s lighter, bowl, bag of pennies, two sleeping bags.
Characters:
Claudia: "Claude" 34, Bernadette's older sister- addict. salty, sultry & sad.
Bernadette: "Bernie" 32, Claudia’s baby sister – “former” addict. cloying, clumsy, cute
Angela: "Angie/Ange", Claudia's former drinking buddy and best childhood pal, Bernadette's recent confidant and sponsor- mediator, misunderstood, meddlesome.
Act One
Scene One
(Open closet /their father's bedroom closet, painfully yellow-almost florescent lighting)
Off-stage there is inaudible mumbling that sounds like frustrated conversation between two female characters/may be improvised. Conversation continues as two women, Bernadette and Claudia enter from stage right holding large empty cardboard boxes/Bernadette could be holding many more than Claudia for comedic effect.
Claudia: {a beat} God, that smell…
Bernadette: {disgusted} I know…
Claudia: No, I mean, I love it! It's him all over…
Bernadette: {nostrils flaring} Smells like aftershave and dirty socks.
Claudia: {inhales deeply} Yeah, with just a hint of Crown Royal.
Bernadette: {disgusted face} You can't take it with you, I guess…{looks hopelessly at
the mess and mumbles her line} You can't take it with you…
Claudia: {excitedly} Whoa, look Bern! {picks up a box and shakes it} He saved all the bags! {Picks up a Crown Royal bag and shakes it, opens it and looks inside} Yow!-this one has our baby teeth in it! What a weirdo! {Suddenly wistful again}
Bernadette: {busy looking through boxes} Didn’t the man have anything clean?
Claudia: {pulls Bernadette away from the boxes and shoves her towards the messy closet, she puts her hands on Bernadette’s shoulders as they both are surveying it} There is so much groovy shit here, Bernie! Look, his old fishing tackle, his paintings, and his collection of old…whatever that is…
Bernadette: {looks closer squinting} Why would anyone collect those?
Claudia: {charged} Shit, I don't know, but there they are, our birth-right, there for the taking!
Bernadette: {moves away from Claudia} Well, Claudia, don't let me stand in your way…
Claudia: Aw, c'mon, Bernadette, it's as much yours as it is mine.
Bernadette: {shivers} No, really, I mean it, Claude, you can have it all-for all I care…
Claudia: Bernie, stop it, I'm sure there's something you'd want {wades through the piles of ankle-deep mess and clothing to get to the closet} I bet there's stuff of Mom's in there…{excavates}
Bernadette: Oh Claudia, {amused by her antics trying to keep a straight face} I doubt it…
Claudia: (not visible but voice coming through) Maybe her skeleton is in here, like in that episode of Cold Case.
Bernadette: (miffed and slightly disturbed) Claudia, stop it!
Claudia: {comes out of the closet holding a shoebox} No skeletons, but I did find this…it has pictures in it.
Bernadette: Of us?
Claudia: Maybe… {she starts going through the pictures and flipping them her expression unchanged}
Bernadette: {leans over Claudia’s shoulder to look for a moment, but then quickly moves center stage uncomfortably} I feel like doing something else. I feel just…wrong. It's so musky and "moth-bally" in here, I can't handle the "unclean". I'm going to need a shower after this…{a beat}
Claudia: {drops the box startling Bernadette, she is holding a single picture and stands slack-jawed, wide-eyed, then half-smiles} Oh…my God…Bernie! Bernadette!
Bernadette: What?! {a beat} Well, is it pictures of us?
Claudia: Better…let's just say…I found Pop's secret…stash. {she fans herself with the picture and Bernadette grasps it}
Bernadette: Ew! Claude! I don't want to see that!
Claudia: Oh sorry, yeah Pop's in that one too {a beat} I bet he has ones in there with just her in them.
Bernadette: Who…is that?
Claudia: {laughing} It's not Mom.
Bernadette: {looking shocked and disgusted, shivers again and tries to walk it off}
Claudia: {still laughing} Wow {a beat} I'm going to see if there's more.
{picks up the pile and starts flipping} I mean, pretty strategic dear old Poppo, hiding it in with his pictures from last year’s fishing trip, Mom was sure to never look there. Brilliant man we had for a father.
Bernadette: {shakes her head}
Claudia: Oh! Here we go, yep, it's all her, these are all of her {laughs through her words}
Bernadette: Gross…Lemme see.
Claudia: {laughing} Good ole' Bern {tossles Bernadette's hair in a sisterly way}
Bernadette: {looking at the picture closely slaps Claudia's hand away} Quit it!
Claudia: {amused, but almost proud} Who knew Pop was steppin' out?
I didn't…
Bernadette: {looks again at the mess} Pig.
Claudia: Hey c'mon lay off Pop, Okay?
Bernadette: No, don't you see, this all clinches it.
Claudia: Here comes the psycho-babble…
Bernadette: No {a beat} honestly, this is a clear cut representation of familial sexual dysfunction which has gone on to both inhibit and exploit our sexual urges as adult women.
Claudia: {tapping her temples in morse code} Stop speaking in code, Bernadette. {a beat}
Bernadette: {trying to keep calm} That's as plain and concise as I can make it.
Claudia: Well, great, but how can I finish this monumental task before us, if I am suddenly asleep!
Bernadette: I'm sorry, but, it's just that, in therapy-
Claudia: {lamenting} Oh, God in heaven, the "therapy"
{dynamic shifts and they begin to act like children}
Bernadette: You're so mean, Claudia, sometimes I hate you!
Claudia: Am not!
Bernadette: Are too!
Claudia: Well, you're a big dummy, Ber-na-dette, and your name is stupid too! {a beat} I am not mean!
Bernadette: Are so!
Claudia: {covers her ears} Not-Not-Not-Not...! {keeps repeating until Bernadette finishes her next line}
Bernadette: {shouting over Claudia} You are completely devoid of the capacity for human compassion!
{dynamic shifts back to normal}
Claudia: {lowers her hands and looks at Bernadette hurt} That {a beat} is so not true.
Bernadette: Commiserating is not the same as compassion, Claudia, sharing a drink with someone while they cry in it, and then, when they pass out, mocking their inability to hold their liquor, that's not compassion!
Claudia: Is that what they teach you at those meetings?
Bernadette: That's the basic philosophy, yes.
Claudia: No, not that, I mean, do they teach you how to berate someone into listening to you?
Bernadette: {a beat} You never listen.
Claudia: I'm sorry Bernie, I should shut my mouth, I'm sure you're making all kinds of progress, and on that note {a beat} Let’s go to my place. I need a drink.
Bernadette: Of course, it has been five minutes.
One More For My Baby… –Billie Holiday plays
{fade to black, actors quietly move to kitchen set}
Act One
Scene Two
{lights up on kitchen set-midday/Claudia's kitchen}
Claudia: Are you sure? I have enough…
Bernadette: {annoyed} I said, "No," didn't I? Thank you.
Claudia: Okie-doke, suit yourself, man. {opens up the bottle of wine and pours Bernadette a drink}
Bernadette: {looks at it warily} This… is all I'm having…nothing else.
Claudia: {reassuring yet half-believing} Yeah, Okay.
Bernadette: I mean, just this sends me to a meeting with Ange, and I gotta have some self-control. But after that excursion into the seedy depths of my childhood and then the long ride back with you and the way you drive, well…I think Angela would understand.
Claudia: Uh huh. God, I can't get over the fact that Angela is your sponsor, that kills me. {she laughs to herself and shakes her head}
Bernadette: {one part facetious; one part sour} I know, it eats up whatever is left of your liver…
Claudia: {pained} Literally, rips my guts out. {pantomimes this}
Bernadette: Literally? One could only dream of it…
Claudia: Shut up, I have gerd! and that shit is no joke…
Bernadette: {sweetly, but annoyed} Aw, poor Claude, it must be such a struggle.
Claudia: {ignoring} My fuckin' insides man, they hurt like hell…{sincere but smiling}
Bernadette: {compassionate} So go see doctor, a real one…a specialist. {patronizing} Somebody with an X-ray machine?
Claudia: Nah, {belches} I'm fine.
B: {eyes wine bottle, defeated} I'm totally going to drink more, I should call Ange.
C: Is that a good idea?
B: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?
C: {shrugs} I don't know.
B: {threatening} Okay…Well, I'm gonna call her…{a beat} a bit {a beat}…later…{pours another glass}
C: {snickers} We should eat something…I can make us something.
B: {without thinking} I'll make it!
C: Bern, it's my kitchen…
B: {getting up and not listening} Yeah, I know, but let me make it.
C: Okay, you make it….be my guest…I was going to make a frozen pizza-but the gourmet is here, so…
B: Frozen pizza is...fine {sighs} Go ahead and make the damn pizza.
C: {immediately goes to the fridge to get the pizza box takes the pizza out and puts seasoning on it and throws some spinach on it.}
B: Claudia…what are you?
C: What?
B: Never mind…so…tell me about that…"guy" you’re dating.
C: Is that your way of telling me you don't want to talk about Petowski, {says it like an explosion} Jesus, what a loser name.
B: Bill?
C: Yeah…I mean Bill, Billy, Wilhelm, whatever, he's still a-
B: -Claudia, please.
C: What? I was gonna say Shithead.
B: {pleading} We were talking about your…situation, not mine…
C: {laughs} Situation…you make him sound like a rash…{realizing}
B: Continue…
C: He's great, he's fucked up like me, which is awesome-'cause that means he's not trying to change me. That's always a point in their court. And…he's not up my ass about my health {a beat} he's got his own problems…
B: Such as?
C: Well…he's fat {shrugs and puts the pizza in the oven}
B: Oh?
C: Well, not... I mean…clinically obese or anything, which would still be cool…
B: Really?
C: Uh-Yeah…
B: {sighs and rests her head on her hand} Go on…
C: I mean, he's fat enough that people…notice {talks with her hands} you know? {her face falls a bit and she stares at the counter}
B: {starting to her feet and moving towards Claudia} Oh, Claudia, how awful for you…
C: I know…
B: {reaches out her arms} C'mere…precious {dramatically embraces Claudia}
C: {dramatically clings to Bernadette} It's terrible, people stare, I just want to hide under a rock. {says weepily but still matter-of-fact}
B: {dramatically} Shameful…really, you of all people should not have to bear other's judgment and scorn. {tries not to break}
C: {bursts out laughing the two cling to each other and share a hearty laugh, they share a moment, but then Bernadette pulls away}
B: I should call Ange…{checks on the pizza}
C: What? Leave it alone, it's got fifteen minutes still…
B: I need to call Ange, I mean to let her know what's happening, I kind of already invited her.
C: {visibly disappointed} Oh, well, that could be cool.
B: Don't worry Claude, there's enough pizza. And she doesn't drink anymore so you don't have to worry about that.
C: {a beat} I'm not worried. {a beat, then arrogantly} I don't worry.
B: {drinks an entire glass of wine and gives Claudia a once over}
C: What, something hangin’ outta my nose?
B: {defeated a bit jealous} No, you look…great...really athletic lately.
C: {surprised} Thanks…
B: Which is why I am so surprised you would ever go for a guy like that. God, you have bizarre taste in men…
C: And… there it is… Hey, can I have Angie's number?
B: Why?
C: Because, I'm going to call her.
{fade to black}
Act One
Scene Three
{lights up slightly to suggest it’s dusk, Claudia's kitchen}
B: So is she coming?
C: {smiling} She's on her way…
B: Good. How did she sound?
C: She sounded good…why?
B: I just thought she might be a little surprised that you were calling her…I mean, instead of me.
C: {uncertain} She was a little bit surprised…at first…but she got over it pretty quick.
B: {relieved only for a beat} You're not going to make this weird, are you?
C: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
B: Don't get mad, Claudia, I'm just asking I mean…C'mon…
C: What? What is it Bernie? Spit it out…move your lips like this and use your words…{mocking tone}
B: Fine, forget it, I didn't say anything.
C: Nope, Nope, that therapy is expensive and I'll be damned if you let it go to waste! Now what did you learn {patronizing}? That's right…you're supposed to call Big Sissy out on her shit, remember?
B: Look, could ya not, mock the therapy…so…much right now. {almost a frustrated laugh}
C: Ooh, very good, that was almost intimidating. Now, let's have it Bernstein, what's the big fuckin' elephant in the room?
B: {feeling uncomfortable now} No elephant, we'll just be three friends…talking…
C: No it'll be you and Angie, monopolizing the conversation.
B: We don't do that, you do that!
C: Well, anyway, now that Angie and I have spoken for approximately four minutes, we are the best of friends again and she has forgiven me.
B: Hmm.
C: And, I, her.
B: And you, her? {talks into her hands} Unbelievable. {a beat}
C: {calming} Does she…come to your place…a lot?
B: Yeah, she was just there last night playing with Davey.
C: Really? Ange?
B: Yeah, they made sock puppets, it was cute.
C: {makes a face like she ate something rancid}
B: {laughs} What was that?
C: You couldn't pay me enough to spend any time watching that sticky little cretin.
B: { puts her hands on Claudia’s shoulders} I wouldn't dearest Auntie Claudia, I would hope you would want to spend time with your nephew for free, out of the goodness of your heart.
C: {clutches her stomach} Stop, I may vomit!
a knock at the door
Angela: Hello?
C: Hurry! Hide the Liquor! {loudly}
B: Claudia, shut up and check on the pizza before it burns! Angie, we're in here, Ange!
A: {enters from stage right carrying a bag of produce}
B: Hello! {stands and kisses Angela on the cheek.}
A: {Angela returns the kiss on her other cheek smiling at Claudia and then waves at her}
C: {takes a drink and turns her back}
B: {shakes her head}
C: I'd pour you a glass, Ange, but I see your hands are {a beat} full…
B: {to Angela} Ignore her.
A: {registers the comment as she puts down the bag of produce} That's Okay, I'm uh, I just brought some stuff to make a salad.
B: Wonderful! {smiles excessively}
C: {half-heartedly, back still turned} Yaaaay… {takes another sip of wine still facing window, we hear a loud ding and Claudia jumps and her mood soars) Pizza's ready! I'll cut it up.
A: {to Claudia’s back} Hi, Claude.
C: {to the oven} Hey, Angie. {pulls pizza out of the of the oven; picks up pizza cutter}
B: Oh, good, it's ready, perfect! {takes pizza cutter out of Claudia's hand, starts waving it awkwardly} What can I get you to drink, Ange?
A: Water's fine or…if you have it, iced tea?
C: {laughs}
A: What?
C: No really, it's nothing {laughs to herself as she sits at the middle seat of the kitchen table}
B: Not, nothing, Claudia what in God’s name is so funny about iced tea?
C: {wipes her eyes and continues to laugh}
B: {embarrassed} Claudia, don't do this.
A: No, that's, Okay Bern. Claudia, I'm curious, what's so funny? {sits down at the table next to Claudia}
C: {a beat then facing Angela} No, it's just…I was just thinking about the first time we had…"iced tea"{makes air quotes}…
A: {laughs uncomfortably then puts her head down on the table} Jesus, Claudia, am I ever going to live that down?
C: No. {a beat} It was an early morning in mid-summer…on a day much like this one{stands with her drink and begins to tell the tale, dramatically}
B: Claudia, I don't think drinking stories are a good idea right now.
A: Bern, it's cool, just, let her do …{sighs} her.
B: {sits on the other side of Angela facing Claudia} But I already…*heard* this story…{groaning}
C: Actually, I like the way Angie tells it. Tell it, Angie.
B: Don't make her tell it; it was your story!
C: So what, if Angie is better at telling it, let her tell it.
B: {irate} Why?! Everyone in the room has already heard it like four million times!
C: Don't exaggerate, Bernie. {trying not to laugh}
B: {fuming} I'm not exaggerating!
C: I haven't heard Angie tell this story in about four{a beat}…million years…Tell the story Angie.
B: No, don't Angie…{widens her eyes and grits her teeth at Claudia} Don't...
A: {stands} It was an early morning in mid-summer on a day…much like this one…
B: {throws her hands up in the air}
C: {sits and smiles triumphantly}
A: …I was sitting on the back of the truck at BFC Fest '93. I was wrapped in an afghan because I had slept in the back of the truck the night before. Claude you were all wrapped up in the bed of the truck sleeping. Some guy came over to us with this big plastic jug and asked me if I was thirsty. I said yes, so he smiled at me-
B: {arms crossed and to herself} Creeper.
A: …and poured us some "iced tea" {air quotes} in these Styrofoam coffee cups-
C: and-and-and you threw it back and then you asked the guy for some more! {laughs} so I had some more too!
A: Yeah, and it was really sweet like he dumped a pound of sugar in it.
B: Asshole.
C: And then I had like…a bunch more…we finished the jug. {laughing hysterically} This was all BEFORE breakfast.
B: Right, and now you are a couple of sloshed, half-dressed fourteen-year-old girls drunkenly wandering around a field full of bearded, red-necky, middle-aged men. What a delightful image I just love being reminded of!
C: You forgot the best part of the story.
B: What?
C: When Angie puked on me {laughing in her throat}
A: Oh yeah! {laughs}
B: Okay, well since we're eating… can we please be done talking about this story now?
A: {smiles at Claudia, then starts} Oh shit-I have to make the salad. {gets up and starts chopping vegetables and humming} Sorry B.
C: Don't apologize to her-she's just mad she wasn't there.
B: {gets up glaring at Claudia} Do you need any help, Ange?
C: No Bernie, I think she can make a salad by her lonesome.
{Angela and Bernadette both turn to where Claudia is sitting}
A: {reprimanding} Claudia…
B: Actually Claudia, I was twelve years old, so there was no possible way for me to be there.
A: {chopping more vegetables} I….think we should change the subject now.
C: {starts dishing out the pizza and talks to herself} What I say?
A: {turns to Bernadette} Bern, your kid is so cute, I just love him to pieces.
B: {smiles} Thanks, he loves when you come over Ange, he has a ball.
C: {dramatically mouths Bernadette’s words mocking her}
B: When you leave, he only talks about you, you can't shut him up, he's like this one over here…{playfully motions to Claudia}
C: {eats a slice of pizza} Actually, I think he's a lot like Pop. {a beat}
B: What?
C: He even looks like him.
A: I…don't think that's genetically possible, Claudia.
B: {groans and sits at the table} Can we please not talk about Pop right now, I am trying to stay sober!
C: Meanwhile, I slowly get drunk because we aren't talking about him. {whines into her empty glass}
B: Fine.
C: I mean, he died! The man just died, can't we talk about him just a little? {voice breaking}
B: I said, fine!
A: {coming to Bernadette’s defense and sits next to her} Claudia…
B: No she's right, he did just die, my kid is alive and well, but Pop is dead now. So please, Claudia, please.
C: {emphasis} He was my Pop, y'know?! Flesh of my god damn flesh. {pounds the table and Bernadette jumps}
A: {moves from comforting Bernadette to Claudia and nods sympathetically but also frustratedly shooting Bernadette a look} Right, sisters with different misters…I get it.
C: I mean, we went on fishing trips together, he taught me how to paint, he taught me how to roll a joint {a beat}, he taught me how to hold my liquor, I mean, when I drink, I think of him, because we did that together, you know? And why would I want to let go of that?
A: {puts her arm around Claudia} This must be so hard on you.
B: {jealous} Argh, don't coddle her. {furiously eats a piece of pizza}
C: {looks at Angela and then puts her head in her hands} The… worst…. {fights back tears and pours herself another drink, drinks until her glass is empty}
the following takes place very pointedly and slowly
A: {looks at Bernadette again}
C: {looks up from her hands at Bernadette too} You want some more Bernie?
B: {looks only at Angela} No…Thank you.
C: {looks at Angela} Want some Angie?
A: {keeps looking at Bernadette then looks away}
{fade to black} Crazy- Patsy Cline plays (finishes halfway through)
Act Two
Scene one
{actors move to third set, Claudia’s living room}
Angela and Claudia are lying on sleeping bags on the floor and giggling together half drunken glasses of wine in front of them Bernadette enters from stage left holding a wine glass and stumbles a bit, A&C laugh.
B: What? {steadies herself}
A: Nothing. Bern, Claudia was just telling me about her new…beau.
B: The beached whale? {laughs awkwardly through her nose}
A: What? {to Claudia laughing; then sounds confused}
C: Nothing. {looks up at Bernadette who is still trying to steady herself.}
B: I'm…{coughs} happy you two are catching up.
C: Aw c'mon Bernstein, you gotta admit you've had fun too, all us girls back together, 'bout time we got ridda' Bill huh? {clicks her tongue}
B: {suddenly steadied and clinks her glass with her ring} Yeah…I'm glad he's gone.
C: There we go... {smiles at Angela} Oh, hey, I got a great idea!
B: Claudia, no! {laughing}
C: Oh, c'mon {laughing} Pretty please… {sticks out her lower lip}
B: No. {motherly}
C: You assholes smoke at your meetings all the time.
B: Cigarettes! {almost yelping}
C: Well, c'mon, it's almost the same thing.
A: I don't really smoke... {ashamed but whistful} anymore.
C: {wounded leans into Angela} Angie, you don't smoke anymore, what happened to you, man, you know what'll happen next right, you'll have to move onto to donuts and birthday cake, and you'll get all fat!
A: {leans in to Claudia} Too late!
{A&C share a laugh}
B: {a bit sobered} Claudia, I said…"No."
C: Oooh-hoo-hoo, look whose assertive all of the sudden!
A: Claude, why don't you just give Bern a break, Okay?
B: Gee, thanks, Ange, way to step up.
A: I've been pretty terrible, I know-I just get around Claudia and {makes a noise like her head is exploding} and my moral compass gets all…wonky. {moves her arms about awkwardly}
B: {realizing} Oh, hell…
A: Claudia is sort of right too, Bern, you are a big girl, and you don't need me to keep you in check. Try some… breathing exercises…
C: {breaks, starts laughing}
A: {starts laughing too} Level your chi.
B: Fuck you, both.
C: Okay, Okay, look-these are just…exten…extenua…ting circum..circum…
{laughs} Wow, that’s a mouthful.
A: Circumcisions? {laughs}
B: You guys already started, didn't you?
C: That's…why I asked…ya cause I didn't want to leave you out, sis!
B: Oh, hell.
C: C'mon B, your kid ain't here, Bill vamoosed, whatdya got to act all grown up for?
B: Oh{a beat} HELL. {stomps her foot}
A: {startled by Bernadette’s self-expression} I wouldn't have put it…quite…that way, but she's got a point, Bern. Claudia-do you have any…{desperate} triscuits?
C: Oh, totally, it's in the kitchen; I'll go get ‘em! {leaves in a dash gets empty bowl with triscuits}
B: My fucking sponsor is stoned!
C: {peeks her head back in the lighted area} What? It's not like she's been drinking. {leaves again}
B: {talking to herself to regain composure} You know what Ange, if you weren't here, I would have had both of those bottles by myself.
C: {comes back in hands Angie a bowl of triscuits. Picks up and plays with her lighter} Aw, you wouldn't have shared any? {sticks out her bottom lip.}
A: {slightly annoyed in a tone similar to Claudia’s} Bern, what are you talking about?
B: {starts to cry}
A: {sobered} Oh, Jesus, Oh, Bernadette…{consoles her} Bernadette, I'm sorry.
C: {horrified} Oh, God…
A: You know what, Claude, I think…that's enough.
C: What? {exasperated}
B: {sniffling} It's Okay, you're right Ange, I'm a big girl and I have to-
A: No, No, No, but I fucked up.
B: Yeah, {sniffs} kinda…
{B& A laugh, Bernadette pulls away}
B: I'm fine, {clears her throat} I'm fine now.
C: Great. {unsympathetically}
B: {still recovering} I have an idea…in the spirit of not being grown-ups why don't we play a game?
A: Hey, yeah!
C: {rolls her eyes}
B: Let's play: Two Truths, One Falsehood.
C: That game is stupid. We might as well play The Minister's Cat
B: {unfazed} Alright…how about…Never Have I Ever?
A: Claudia always loses.
B: {somewhat ruffled} Okay…how about…Truth or Dare
C: Boring! No guys here!
B: FINE! We'll play Never Have I Ever and Claudia will just have to SUCK IT UP, and try really hard not to lose!
C: Well, look-at-you!
{Bernadette empties her pocket with a bunch of change and empties Angela's bowl, they all move to sit in a circle.}
A: Okay…I've never…
B: No! I'll start!
{fade to black}
Act Two
Scene Two
{lights come up only slightly suggesting the sun has gone down}
B: I've never….been in jail.
{C puts a penny in, then A puts a penny in, they high-five}
B: Okay…I've never…lived alone.
{C puts a penny in, A does so reluctantly then looks sad about it}
B: Sorry, Ange…
C: What's the big deal?
{B & A sigh collectively}
C: Wait, alone-alone? What happened?
A: Right, Claudia doesn't know about Rufus.
C: No, Not Rufus!
A: Yeah, he got bone cancer last month, {a long pause} we had to put him down. {a beat}
C: I'm so sorry, babe! {a beat}
B: I go, again! {manic, almost yelling}
{A & C startle}
C: Okay…
B: Okay! I've never…rented an apartment.
C: Lucky you {puts a penny in}
A: {puts a penny in.}
B: I've never…burnt dinner.
C: {puts a penny in and waits a beat} Really Ange?
A: Sorry… {winces} I've never…killed a house plant. {tries not to laugh}
C: {puts a penny in and waits a beat} Okay, now that's just being mean. I lost. Shocking!
{smugly}Well, that was boring.
A: Well, it's your turn next.
C: Well, thank ya very much…let's see. I've never…been to France.
{A & B put a penny in and smile at each other}
C: Me again... {smiles painfully} I've never…
B: {whispers audibly to Claudia} gotten pregnant…
C: {a beat} What?
B: {whispers even more audibly and strained} gotten PREGNANT!
C: No. I can't say that Bernadette.
A: Uh oh.
C: Just skip me.
B: What? What for?
A: Claudia?
C: Next…
B: What are you saying, Claudia…
A: {muses} I forgot all about that.
B: {seething} What. the. fuck. Claudia…
A: Oh, did you not know…Bernie?
B: Uh NO! To hell with you Ange, you couldn't have told me, I'm her sister!
A: I must have meant to tell you, but…I forgot.
B: You forgot…
A: I'm sure Claudia helped that along…
B: {through her teeth} Jesus, Claudia, you have to just RUIN everything!
A: Whoa, Bernadette, that is crazy unfair of you!
B: What do you know? Why didn't you tell me, how dare you not tell me!
A: Bernadette, calm down! {protectively of Claudia}
C: Well, golly, B, I can't imagine what on earth would have possessed me to keep it a secret from you.
B: Well you better tell me the WHOLE story. RIGHT. GODDAMN. NOW.
A: {worriedly} Bernie as your sponsor, I would advise against this…
B: SHUT UP ANGELA! Now, Claudia!
C: …it's cool, Angie. Okay so you remember that guy Leif? He had like long blonde hair and wore flannel and was really ripped and had all that peach fuzz.
A: The lumberjack, guy?
C: Uh- No-No, you called him "the Viking" because of his name, I'm assuming. Anyway, it was March, but weirdly it was warm and sunny and we were sitting on my porch, Leif and me, and he looked at me with those squinty, freakishly gorgeous green eyes, God, he was so beautiful. And I just ached inside, you know? I needed some...human touch like {affectionately} the Boss says you know. {sings} So you been broken and you been hurt….Show me somebody who ain't… We lit a candle that Angie got me for my birthday I still remember the heat, that smell of ocean mist. We just lay there, on that blanket for hours just...touching and kissing and gliding. Shit...we still had all of our clothes on for the first half hour...
A: {laughs looking at Bernadette} every...last... detail...
C: We made love…Okay... We "fucked" and it was great, I mean, there was nothing between us, I mean...nothing. But that was it, I never saw him again but I guess he ended up leaving something behind-however small-l and I didn't know what to do, and I can't keep {a beat} keep a house plant alive and I always burn dinner.
B: {stone faced} You never told me.
C: What good would that have done?
B: I could have done something.
C: Like talk me out of it?
B: NO {angrily} No {hurt}… I mean...No, like go with you.
C: {laughs}
B: You could have at least cried on my shoulder, afterwards…
C: Nah, that's not my style, you know that. {moves away from the other two}
A: Bern, how bout we leave it alone?
B: Ange, Look, I'm sorry I told you to shut up, but would you shut up?
A: Sure, I can take it.
C: {smiles to audience with back facing the other two} Angie, I think we should go back to torturing Bernadette for awhile.
A: {smiles knowingly} What did you have in mind?
C: {still facing audience} We should play that game: two truths and a lie or whatever.
B: {worriedly} I thought that game was boring.
C: {turns to Bernadette} It is but I thought of a way to make it fun.
B: {expecting the worse} Oh, goodie.
C: Bernadette.
B: Hmm.
C: Two truths; one lie.
B: {points to Claudia’s lighter} Pass me that thing.
{fade to black} the ending of Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen plays)
Act Two
Scene Three
{lights come up as if to suggest it’s just before dawn}
B: He doesn’t know.
C: That’s absurd.
B: {perturbed} No, it isn’t. I learned my lesson.
C: {annoyed} What lesson?
B: Don’t you remember: Sean? Well, I almost married that guy, remember, he was perfect, and I just had to ruin it so I said, “Baby, I have something to confess to you Sean,” and I did, I told him the number and he….freaked out, like not even a little bit. And then it was hah, Sayonara Sean!
C: Wait, was this the Asian guy?
B: {annoyed} No, the Irish guy.
C: Ooooohh…
A: {confused} So Bill thinks he’s your first?
B: Yeah.
C: That’s gross.
A: Claudia…
C: No. Bernie, how is it that you attract filth like you’re a human lint roller?
B: You mean like the scumbags you’ve dated?
C: See? You’re a hypocrite. A scumbag-hypocrite. {a beat}
B: {visibly hurt} Fine, {a beat} I did tell him.
C: {scoffing} No, you didn’t…
B: Yes, {a beat} I did. {a beat} That’s why he left.
A: Oh, Bern, are you-
C: {angrily} –When? When did you tell him?
B: Yesterday.
C: Yesterday?
B: Yesterday.
C: Liar.
B: I’m not lying!
C: Bernadette, you infuriate me!
A: You know, Bernadette, isn’t that what you’ve been avoiding, all of your secrets? At the meetings we try to foster a healthy environment where we can share and-
B& C: Shut up Angela!!
C: Avoiding secrets? Ange, I’m sorry, but give it up. You will never reach Bernadette on that level, she lives for secrets. Her whole life is a secret. She keeps everything so infuriatingly cooped up in that tiny head of hers, like a bunch of hormonal chickens ready to fly the coop!
This shit is just absolutely futile with Bernie, believe me I tried.
B: Excuse me?
{dynamic shifts and they are children again}
C: {imitating} Excuse me?
B: Fuck you, Claudia.
C: {imitating} Fuck you, Claudia.
B: {lets out a high pitched scream and throws the bowl of pennies across the room again}
{A& C startle; dynamic shifts back}
B: {rants to no one center stage} You are such children! This is all your fault! You just had to up and leave me here, leave me behind like all of these boxes full of Pop’s shit… And with that prick, Bill.
C: I warned you about him.
B: {to the audience} Yes, Yes, you were {screaming her words} SO INSIGHTFUL!
YOUR FORESIGHT ASTOUNDS ME, CLAUDIA! {takes a breath, composes herself} So much so that you just up and leave me behind for three years, okay, no phone calls, nothing. Like, you didn’t know what that was going to do to me?
C: That’s right Bernie; me leaving was all about you.
B: {expression turns malevolent still facing the audience} I’ve had it with you, Claudia. {leaves the lighted area}
A: {to Claudia} Beautifully, done.
C: You used to enjoy this, Angie.
A: {shakes her head and gets up to go get Bernadette}
C: {grabs Angela’s arm} Don’t chase after her, she’ll be back.
B: {puts her head back in the lighted area} Fuck you, Claudia.
C: See?
A: {facetious} It’s difficult to have patience with people and their little quirks.
{the sound of Bernadette having a tantrum off stage}
C: Seriously, I’m over it.
{noise continues}
A: Especially when they have no patience for yours…
C: {nods and smiles} Now I remember why I liked you…
A: {shakes her head, bewildered}
B: {comes back fuming with a phone in her hand}
C: {zen} Oh, Bernie, you’re back, I didn’t hear the fanfare.
B: {ignores Claudia} Bill was right all along, I’m going to call him.
A: What? Bernadette, don’t…
C: Oh, Christ on a cracker.
B: I should have trusted his intuition more. He hated you, Claudia, and with good reason too.
C: Ah, that guy hated everybody, he was a prick.
B: No! He LOVED me.
C: No he didn’t…
B: How can you say that? We had a CHILD together!
C: So what, that obviously doesn’t mean squat. {laughs}Mom and Pop had kids together, look how they turned out. You got a lady who up and dies on us and a guy who wishes we were little boys so he gives us little boy names after Mom painstakingly named us after a saint and a supermodel. The kid thing is bullshit. It just makes people crazy.
A: {takes phone out of Bernadette’s hand} I think what Claudia is trying to say…
C: No, I know what I’m saying!
A: Claudia, c’mon.
C: What, the kid thing wasn’t a dig at me?
B: {surrendering} Yes, Bill was a Prick-but he was right about this. And Ange was right- I kept too many secrets, and it ruined my marriage. It should never ever be that way. You should never fear telling the person who is supposed to love you more than anything the truth about who you really are. But when could we fit that in? Boom, I’m pregnant with Davey, and we just stopped talking altogether. And we’ve been split up for a week now, and I’ve gotten absolutely no word {breaking} not that I should be surprised.
A: This has clearly taken an emotional toll on you, Bernadette.
B: Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I said to myself “Bernadette, you’re gorgeous, you’re French like Mom, and so you can do better than dumb old Bill Petowski the loose cannon, the stock broker slash accountant; the prick, and the shithead. But you married him anyway, didn’t ya?, you married him anyway because you couldn’t keep a man. What was the only way you can keep one? That’s right, by hiding, like a coward behind lipstick and fancy panties-which somehow never insinuated that you are a whore. You’re a good girl, Bernadette, just like Daddy said you were. A very good girl. A saint. But your father was a prick too, wasn’t he? So what the hell did he know? And now you’re so full up with secrets, you’re fat, goddammit, Bernadette, you’re fat, and pregnant with bile-especially around your hips and your middle…”
A: Clearly it’s affected your pride.
C: Clearly.
B: {adrift} I said to myself, Bernadette, you and Bill grew a part because of secrets and he hates you now because you were honest about all of your secrets.
A: He hates you because of your honesty about all of your secrets?
C: No, weren’t you listening he hates her because she’s fat.
B: I said to myself, “Bernadette, come to your senses, you’re batty. It’s not about you, it’s about Bill…”
A: {relieved} Right.
B: But then I said to myself “No…when is this going to be about you, Bernadette?”
C: {looks around} mShe’s still talking to herself…
A: {to Claudia} Shh. Bernadette, you’re onto something
B: Well, yes, that’s what I thought but…No. No, I’m not, I wasn’t.
A: What do you mean?
B: Because then I was like: Bernadette, {a beat} you’re a selfish cow. You’re a fat ugly selfish cow who nobody loves.
C: No.
A: What?
C: No.
A: Claudia, it’s a process she’s working though something.
C: Bullshit. I call bullshit on this whole thing.
B: Claudia, just leave me be.
C: What? Leave you be. Fuck no. Bernie, don’t call yourself a selfish cow. You’re going to stand there in front of me and have a schizophrenic episode, a goddamn identity crisis-you’re having a nervous breakdown and I’m supposed to just sit here and watch like this is supposed to be entertaining for me?{gets in Bernadette’s face}What do you know about pain? I’ve been the lone black sheep my whole natural goddamn born life.
B: {slaps Claudia} Watch your dirty mouth. You were Pop’s best friend and I was just his plaything.
{All three stand around in shock almost comedic-the lights come up fully to suggest daylight}
B: {sighs with relief} Fuck Bill. Just...fuck him.
C: {rubbing her cheek} No thanks, he’s gross.
B: {Bernadette collapses in a chair laughing}
A: Oh, Claudia, what are we going to do with you?
B: {rubs her forehead} And what are we gonna do with Pop’s stuff?
C: We’ll burn it. We will put it all in the fireplace and burn it.
A: {leaves the lighted area smiling}
B: {perks up} You’d do that…for me?
C: Yeah…
B: Why?
C: I’m possessed. I don’t know.
A: {comes back with lighters} I wanna burn stuff!
C: Hah, I forgot Angie is a closet pyro!
B: It’s all in a pile over there, the pictures.
C: If there are any of me and Bern, don’t burn…them. {laughs}
C&B both laugh.
C: Do you forgive me for leaving?
B: I killed you in my mind a couple of times but I’m over it.
A: Fire’s burning. {Angie smiles}
A, B&C throw pictures in the fire
C: {dusts off her hands} Welp, I’m toasted, I’m gonna sleep till noon. {leaves lighted area}
B: Night…
A: You, okay, Bernadette?
B: I’ll be alright now. And now that we’re finally alone, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Davey, something really important.
A: Okay.
B: With Bill gone, I’m going to really need some help with him, especially right now. I was hoping, you know, since you are living alone right now that you might want to move in with us.
A: Are you sure I’m the right person for that?
B: Yes. Of course. Who else would I ask?
A: Bern, lemme tell you a story. See, legend has it that this guy, we’ll call him Frank. He was super rich and he was so rich he thought he was above it all you know? But he was also under a lot of strain so he would get stressed and need an outlet. So he would do this thing where he would go to fancy restaurants eat an exorbitant amount of food and then destroy every plate he ate off of. He made a huge scene-plates smashed everywhere, I mean the guy was a real pig about it. Thing is he would always pay for every plate he broke, so it was like…Even Steven, right? But then he noticed one day that this one restaurant was charging him huge amounts of money, and way more than what the plates were worth. And he was like {impersonating}“I’m not paying this!” “They are charging me way too much for these plates, I’m going to go someplace else.”And so he did, he went to a different restaurant and smashed plates there and no one gave him a hard time. Do you see what I’m getting at?
B: Are you saying I should ask Claudia?
A: {puts her arms around Bernadette} Smash those plates, Bernadette, and make a big mess.
{fade to black}